Except they can’t even find the spacebar, let alone spell. What are they trying to be, Linux? If you’re going to copy, you have to copy the idea, not the end product, otherwise more likely than not your seams will be showing. (This is actually a fascinating topic – see this post on Cargo Cults, for example.)

Yes, I would like some ducting.

I should say, though, that I have heard only good things about the screen itself. Affordable, too. So that’s all good. If only they knew their limits.

I always wondered what those funny quote things meant. Nothing, I guess.

Since we are talking about screens, you should check out this screen-related post, if only for the wicked music. Oh yeah, and another video in the cruel humour series. (After man falls off bike, etc.) When I post links on my blog there is often a particular reader who I think it will really appeal to. On this occasion, I thought of Dave.

While I’m here, let me relate another wonderful story of Auckland driving. So I’m coming up to an intersection. The lights are green, and have been for some time, and I’m not talking about some green arrow shit here, we’re talking full green circle. It’s raining. Auckland probably does rain better than any city in the world. It’s cold, it’s wet, it’s dark, it’s windy, and every time it begins to ease – just enough that you turn down your wipers, and think yay, it’s over – it picks up again. As I approach the intersection I see someone from the transverse street doing likewise. I slow down a bit. Shouldn’t they be stopping? Maybe they’re turning left or something.

Ok, so they’re not turning left. They’re going freakin’ straight ahead. In a manner that will place their passenger door in the same time and place as my engine very soon. It is at this point that the guy sitting in their passenger seat starts looking at me. I try to brake, but also try not to spin out of control in the wet weather. And I’m thinking surely, they’re going to stop. They’re not going to stop. I brake again. They swerve a bit and keep charging ahead, quickly enough that they get past before I reach them. The guy in the passenger seat is still staring at me, presumably too terrified to move. It’s good times being the passenger in crazy car.

As the driver goes past he angrily toots his horn at me. All of this time, my light has been green. Great people, Aucklanders.

Prepare your eyesockets! This is fantastic.

Telecon [YouTube] (Removed at the request of copyright owner Telecom because its content was used without permission)
The spoofed Telecom commercial [The Techsploder] (New link, thanks to Pete’s comment.)

The only thing as good as that is videos of people crashing. So yeah, ever seen a bendy bus go out of control in a tunnel? Sick man, sick. Or even better is when it happens to some arrogant tosser. Like this guy. Anyway, if you’re looking for video, don’t make the same mistake I did.

Also on tonight’s playlist is the new Apple store. It is totally awesome. I was there. Yeah, it doesn’t really look like me aye? It’s funny how sometimes photos are like that. But see how I’m trying to look really serious and interested in what sexy blonde girl has to say, but instead I just look constipated. Man, even in an Apple store, it’s hard to pick up chicks.

I have been keeping a list of these for ages, I suppose in the theory that “one day I will have heaps of time to post but won’t be able to think of anything.” I’m awesome at coming up with stupid crap like that. Fortunately, they also come in handy when I have very little time to post. Like now. Ladies and gentlemen: Best Search Strings, Q2 2005. (See how many you can match up to the respective posts!)

• hahahalol
• pc system mack your pc all running and no error
• “what does your toilet say about you?”
• britneyspearsnaked (lots and lots of these – and more now, I guess)
• i want to make windows xp look like a mack
• MADAGASCAR HOOKERS
• “should i learn japanese” business
• capitalist scum
• black fashion police
• Xtrasite:db.rambleschmack.net mathamagic reviews (I wouldn’t really call it a review)
• Jim Schmackers family
• mack and daves

That’s going straight into my Wikipedia article, natch. Now, I know what you’re thinking. That I am joking somehow, or (Heaven forbid!) disparaging the fairer orientation. Oh no. Here’s how it went down.

So I was on Trademe, bidding for Minuit’s The 88. As always on Trademe, the bidding was stupidly high – $14.50 (plus postage) for a freaking second-hand CD – before I even turned up. I leapt into the fray, taking the lead with an auto-bid of $16.50. (Auto-bid has actually never worked for me – I only use it because I like to lose in different ways each time.) Minutes later, the previous leader, 2grlsinlv, topped my entire auto-bid (another glorious victory for auto-bid). Yes, that username was 2grlsinlv. Did you look at their profile? Of course you did. Appropriate picture, huh?

Bitter and twisted, I placed one more bid to beat theirs by 50 cents. I didn’t expect to win. But I figured it would piss them off, and force them to pay more, so it was effectively one of those “everybody wins” situations. I smiled evilly, and waited for my maniacal plan to come to fruition.

And waited. And waited. And then I had to go to freaking film society. During which the auction finished. What, had I won? The thought itself was tantalising, delicately holding it on the cusp of my mind, before it could be dashed by my rational hemisphere. Just a whisper on the edge. The tiny spark that Death’s grasp can never quite suppress. Won?

No. I was beaten by david7032. I mean, I had already resigned myself to losing, but had found comfort that at least I would be beaten by lesbians. So that was something. It was all I had to hold on to. And then I got beaten by some guy from Upper Hutt. Called David! I hate people called that.

Anyway, Wednesday 9:30 is the Oddfellows Comedy Gala 2006 on channel 2. Be there. Natch.

Posting here has fallen behind even the usual tardy schedule due to illness. Basically, it hurts when my eyes are closed, it hurts more to open them, and more so again to look at a computer screen. Maybe I need one of them new-fangled LCD jobbies (to go with my G6 Mac).

The more cynical amongst you will assume I am lying to cover for not having posted for a while. Fie! To counter this, and to feed the insatiable human lust for blood and gore, I have attached disturbing images of my hideous predicament. You can imagine how much fun it is trying to apply ointment to that.

Anyway, since I cannot satisfy you on this occasion, maybe these people can:

• Chiropractor Claims He Can Go Back in Time [Newsvine] (Oh man, it kills me to resist the pun. But think of that movie, the one with the DeLorean)
• Apple: The first 30 years [Macworld] (interesting)
• Apple history: 15 billion years and counting [Macworld] (hilarious)
• flashbag [plusminus design] (completely impractical, totally awesome)
• Web Authoring Statistics [Google Code] (good reading for us web authors – eyes up for the Geocities footer)
• Why does HAL sing “Daisy, Daisy” in 2001: A Space Odyssey? [kottke.org] (I trust we have all seen this film)

People are constantly commenting about how I’m such a nice guy and only ever have positive things to say. But, as Natalie Portman learnt in Star Wars, even the nicest guys have their dark side.

So yeah, text messaging. Text messaging is evil in many ways, such as how its DAMAGE 2 TH ENGLSH LANGGE 1S PROBLY IRAVERSSABUL (SP?). (Sidebar: every time someone types (sp?), God kills a kitten. Look it up, you lazy bastard.) But it isn’t all bad. For one thing, we like the price point.

What I particularly liked about texting was that you had a very small space to fill and a great deal of time to fill it (what with typing speed issues). This allowed and encouraged injecting as much meaning as possible into every individual sentence. Given that my texting predates my blogging, it may have influenced my writing far more than I should admit to. Perhaps it explains my penchant for short, punchy paragraphs containing at least one joke and/or at least one swearword. As we all know, you can convey volumes of meaning with a text containing just one word, if that word is MOTHERFUCKER.

Anyway, so we were saying how I was such a nice guy. I got a text from Todd the other day (grammar corrected):

This is an interesting development, how come you’re not graduating this week?

And I responded offhand:

Oh you know me, I don’t like to rush into things. A small matter of practical work reports, basically they wanted one last twist of the knife and I didn’t stab myself quickly enough. I have to admit, I’m not especially worried. Getting out of prison is far more satisfying in itself than the welcome home party.

Five minutes later I had another look at my reply. Man. I’m not, okay? Really, I’m not.

Never stick your hand in my face again bitch